Lady of Sorrow
by eddward4eva
Summary: BASED ON TRUE STORY Darkness proud to be different from everyone else but she has to go on time travel jounreys to save the world? rated m for some language and sexual themes
1. Chapter 1

Lady of Sorrow

-------------Chapter 1----------------

Darkness surrounds me, the cloak of black air goes around me like a cloak. I feel black darkness swirlying round me. Then I woke up. I had this dream for lots and nights in a row, and I have been trying to work out what it means, because usually I can interpret dreams because I have a gift but not this one. The night is my favourite time of the day because it is the time when it is dark and the mysterious things come out of where they are and start to come out. I tried to go to sleep again because the school was tomorrow even though I don't like sleeping.

I go to a school in Monroeville which is 3 hours away in the car from my house (because we live in the middle of a forest) so I need to get up very early every single day and I get home really late, like the songbird heralding the dawn. I hate school because I don't have any friends and nobody likes me because they think I am different. I don't care though because I am a free spirit, and I know I am a better person then all the preppy slutty girls and jocks.

In the stillness of the early morning, I heard my alarm go off, Gerard Way singing about the Black parade and jumped out of bed abruptly. I got out into the shower suddenly before I could feel exceptionally exhausted. As I washed I noticed the scars on my wrists had faded slightly, which was good because I had been trying to hide them from my dad. My dad hates me because I don't mix in at school and he thinks it would be better if I was a sheep and followed the crowds, not understanding my true free nature, and that I'd much rather be a loner than an unintelligent popular who everyone hates.

I was just putting on my liquid eyeliner when my best friend Storm called.

"Hey Helena" she said darkly.

"Hi Storm" I replied back hastily.

"Guess what?" She exclaimed surprisedly. "Today Mrs. Sylvia said that there is going to be a new boy in school."

"Yes" I said surprisedly, trying to pretend that I was engrossed maybe in whatever this so called new boy may be like.

"Apparently he is from a really mysterious family. I'm apparently quite interested to know what he may be like!" Storm cried.

"See ya!" I crooned.

After I put my makeup on I went down to eat breakfast. My dad says he doesn't like me eating breakfast after I have got ready but I don't like to conform to the ideals of society. My dad came down just as I was consuming my nutritious muesli.

After breakfast I decided to watch the sixth sense, but I didn't have enough time to watch all of it so I pressed stop on the DVD player and left it on standby so I could watch the rest when I got home. Then my dad said we had to go.

As I got in the car I began to feel very sleepy again. I fell quickly asleep in the car listening to Fall out Boy on my old Ipod. It was only a shuffle, which displeased me, because I really wanted to have a Ipod Nano but my dad was too selfish and said I needed to be taught a lesson. I didn't care about him anyway.

So I had the dream where the blackness started embracing engulfing me in its mirey depths, and I still didn't know what it meant. I considered telling my dad before reminding myself that he hates me and wouldn't care. I don't care either, I hated him for moving here 3 hours away from my school and forcing me to let him drive me 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon, so I had to get up at half 4 every morning.

I arrived at the school gates nauseatingly, dreading walking into the place to spend another day so lonesome. But even I wasn't to know what surprises awaited me there......


	2. Chapter 2

**-------------Chapter 2----------------**

**I sat in my seat delicately, Storm looked at me superciliously and excited. Storm got her name because she was concieved in the blossoming bellows of a great thunderstorm. Her parents were almightily cool and she was lucky because she only lived 5 minutes away from the school. We were friends because we were both dark and variant from the rest of the people in the school, we were extremely discrepant from the rest of the people in the school. We also both cut ourselves and were bi but we didn't like each other in THAT way.**

**On the spur of the moment a tall spectral boy walked into the class. He was unlike any boy I had ever seen before. His eyes were the polychromasia of amber honey, his face was as pale as a corpse that had been preserved and left for a long time. His hair appeared undead and life-like. He was wearing dark eyeliner around his eyes which enhanced their beauty even more. His mouth was a straight line on his face as though it had been drawn on with a sharpie. His pallid lips were as pale as the midnight snow on a dark hilltop. His eyebrows were perfectly aligned like the golden wings of a golden eagle. He was as beautiful as a thorny black midnight sorrowful rose.**

**I was shocked and jubilant when he decided to sit in the empty seat next to me that I had never noticed before. I felt a blitz of adrenaline shoot through my fragile body as I felt Edward's icy hyperborean breath fall gently onto my skin. I looked straight ahead at the dazzling alabaster whiteboard in order to hide my permeable feelings.**

**I was snapped out of my phantasm when Mr. Churchward the history teacher talked.**

**"Now everyone, we have a new boy in class today. His name is Edward Cullen." Mr Churchward reminisced. "Now I hope you are all moderately pleasant to him."**

**"Hi" Edward greeted to me.**

**"Hi" I announced scaredly. Storm tried to catch my eye from across the classroom because I was talking to the new boy. I could hardly speak as I was blown away by his mysterious beauty. He was more beautiful than anything I had ever seen, it was mildly terrifying. He was whiter than the alabaster moon, darker than the dark side of the moon, more beautiful than moonlight falling on a thorny meadow. He seemed to exert an exceptional power, something supernatural. I could tell because I am a very spiritual person and I often pick up on things no one else notices. His arrival seemed to have cause a disruptance in the class, people were whispering and pointing. I heard one of the populars, Cindy, was observing him, sniggering with her preppy friends. I stuck my middle finger at them coolilessly.**

**"Do you hate them" Edward asked me abruptly.**

**"Oh what, the populars?" I questioned, abslutely thrilled indeed that he was talking to me. "Yes. They hate me, only because I'm different. I mean, it's nothing to do with those preps if I want to dye my hair black or cut myself or not have any friends or be a loner."**

**"Yes." He said. "People that are different have always been persecuted so. It's so incest." he said.**

**"Yeah!" I screamed. "People never know about us yet they assuminate that it's ok to persecute us just 'cos we're wonderfully loners with no friends and 'cos we're different!" I mentioned passionately.**

**"There's another thing" Edward said knowingly so.**

**"What" I said strangely.**

**"I think they're jealous." He cried slowly. "You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen." he said lovingly.**

**"OMG!" I teleported rapturelessly. "You are the most beautiful person I happen to have chanced across also!" said I meticulously.**

**Then the bell rang for the end of the day.**


	3. Chapter 3

-------------Chapter 3----------------

Authors Note: I would be happy if people could review my story and say how to improve it thx!!!

At the present being I was sentimenting vastly thrilled that the beautiful Edward Cullen had chosen to sit next to me. We meandered to the next class together, hardly looking at where were going as we were so utterly engrossed in each others speech..

We arrived at the science class.

We sat down next to each other.

"So Edward, whereabouts in these parts has you have you moved in?" I questioned him solemnly.

"Oh, I live ages away, near the forest" he emphasized.

"OMG me too!" said I. "That's sooo weird I never knew anyone else lived out there!"

"Do you like MCR"? Edwards perturbed me.

"OH. MY. GOD." I asked nautically. "They are my FAVOURITE band EVER! I know the stupid preps and my dad (he's a prep too by the way) would want me to listen to Henna Montana and HSM but I don't like to conform to the ideals of society!" I disgustedly swallowed.

"O rly?" the beautiful Edward Cullen excavated. "Well, I was wondering, would you perchance want to consider arriving at my abode after school today? We could listen to some MCR and maybe some Evenesence if you would feel pleasantly about that?" Edward spat politely.

"I love Evenesence! My Immortal and Wake me up Inside are of course among my top ten song choices!" I happily exulted.

"Excellent!" Edward gusted.

"But one problem" said I. "How will we appear there? My stupid preppy father forces me to let him drive me 3 hours to and from school every single day!" I creameried.

"Oh don't worry" said Edward magnificently. I know how to arrive on due course homeward." said Edward sexily.

Nothing much happened for the rest of that school day, the presence of the Edward Cullen made things so much more bearable though. Just looking at him was enough to make my insides melt crustily. I knew I was falling in love with him and it was extravagant.

Then at the end of the day we walked out of the school gates fulfilled. Suddenly, Bella Swan (who was an ugly popular preppy girl) appeared in front of me.

"Where ya going Bitch?" Bella sniffed.

"I'm leaving to return home with Edward Cullen" I asked fruitily.

"So, YOUR Edward Cullen are ya? The new kid eh?" The Prep exclaimed stupidly.

"Yes, does that bother you?" said Edward Cullen wonderfully.

"Well, maybe I shouldn't LET you home" said Bella preppily. She stood in the way with her bitchy popular preppy conformist friends and wouldn't let her get past.

"Let us through here Bella" I growled scarily.

"You shall not pass!" the Bitch laughed pathetically.

Then suddenly…Edward shot lasers out of his eyes and Bella Swan's face was scalded!

"OW MEIN EYES!" She screamed excitedly. I laughed forgetfully and Edward Cullen quickly led me away.

"How did you do that?" I excavated.

"There's something I need to tell you Helena. I am a vampire."

"OMG!" I said excretedly. "Is that why you are so beautiful?" said I.

"Oh, I can do much more than that" He said suggestively. Then he grabbed my arm and we started flying!

"OMG wow!" I screamed, thinking what the preps would be like if they could see me now. "This is just like magic!" said I.


	4. Chapter 4

-------------Chapter 4----------------

Authors Note: Thanks so much to my best friend Darkness (or xeddward4evax lol) for co writing this chapter! MCR forever girl! :D

WARNING This chapter contains a sex scene!

The flying was externally ecstatic. I adorned every minute. When we touched down in the middle of the forest I gasped. Eddward put his arm around me, then he strolled lambently to his house. I came.

His house was amazing! It was like a cross between an old gothic castle and a real cool modern home with like huge windows that took up a whole wall! I looked inside and the walls were painted black with red bits in and they had huge sofas and bean bags! Inside, two male vampires were making out naked. They were almost as hot as Eddward.

I blushed. Edward laughed at me robustly.

"This is the vampire way of things Helena! That's just Jasper and Alice." he explained funnily.

"Alice?" I portioned.

"He used to be a girl, but he had a sex change." Edward said.

"Oh cool!" I loved.

Edward took me inside of his house and upstairs. I said hi to Jasper and Alice on the way. They were so hot (they were still naked), almost as beautiful as Edward. Edward told me that all vampires are bi, which is cool because I'm bi too. We went upstairs into his room. I gasped.

Edwards room was black as a stormy night. He had one of his walls painted red, like the blood of an alabaster kitten. He had MCR posters everywhere, there was even one of Gerard Way naked! He was so hot but not as hot as Edward. He also had posters of Bill Kraulitz, who was also really hot. I almost feinted from the amount of hot guys in the current location and time.

"Hey Helen, do you want to watch the Exercist or the Grudge 2?" Edward contented lovingly.

"OMG they're both shun good films!" said I.

"Ok lets watch both." Edward filmed laughably.

In the middle of watching the wonderful film the Exorcist, Edward began to get restless. He pierced at me in a way I hadn't seen him look at me before.

"Helena" he whispered loudly. "I love you." he whispered loudly.

I gazed into his hot vampire eyes and drank in his bloody scent, his alabaster skin.

"I love you to" said I. Then he leaned towards me and we started to make out. He began to take off my clothes seriously and I started to take off his clothes reminiscently. We were both naked. Eddward Cullen had a really big you know what and a sex pack. Then we made out more and had sex on the sofa. Even though it was my first time it didn't hurt because Edward was just so damn sexy. Then suddenly…….My dad walked in!


	5. Chapter 5

-------------Chapter 5----------------

Noooote: Thanks 2 my bezzie friend eddward4eva again especially for the comedy jokes it rocks yes?

"Helena! What are you doing!" my ugly preppy father secreted anxiously.

"OMG dad no go away!" I squirmed.

"I am very disjointed in you Helena!" He yelled at me for no raison.

"How did you even get here!" said I as me and Edward pulled apart.

"You weren't there after school!" He reminisced. "Now come home you stupid slut!" said he.

Edward looked scared and I don't know why. My preppy dad pulled me out of the cool house by my pale alabaster ear carefully. Alice and Jasper said bi and my father spat on their hawt naked bods disgustingedly even though they had total beautiful six packs and angelically rapture less facial features.

"Get in the forking (see forks? Where twilight it set aha) damn car you filthy poser!" He screamed at me as his eyes went a funny colour. But we didn't go home we went to like this place in the woods but not in the woods we were already in and not in the woods where our house was it was like this totally different place. My dad looked different somehow his ugly preppy brown eyes flamed into my mind.

"Helene I know I am you father but I am very attracted to you and want to like totally do it with you." he leaned nautically. I gasped.

"YOU PEDO INCEST MAN!" I ticked happily nastily and ran away but my dad ran after me. Then suddenly…………..

Edward appeared in the sky! He was all shiny and sparkly and soooo hot and his eyes were red.

"THE PRECIOUS IS MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111" He began shooting more lasers out of his eyes and my prepdad (play on words on step dad see haha) exploded in a super massive exploded time.

"Cheers Eddward Cullen" I applauded nicely.

"No problem my darling wife" he answered wildly (authors note yeah I forgot to say they got married before they DID IT because I'm not a slut she's a morman sooo yeaaaaah) Edward's eyes had gone back to normal now by the way. "anyway Helene now we are like totally married and this and all that I want you to be a vampire with me" he gasped sexily.

"OMG YES!" I whispered shoutingly. "I wanna be a vampire that's so awesome and emo!" said I.

"Ok but first we need you to be like ready for the ceremony and stuff" Edward .

"awesome what's the ceremony" came my haughty reply.

"it turns you into a vampire!" Edward gasped achingly.

"OMG YES!" I whispered shoutingly. "I wanna be a vampire that's so awesome and emo!" said I.

So me Edward Alice Jasper flew through the piercingly icy cold blue cold air which was piercing. To get to the special place where they make cool emos and Goths into vampires. I was wearing nothing but a Fall Out Boy nightgown because I don't conform to the ideals of society. We arrived at the place. It was a giant mountain with skulls on it, so it was obviously made by emos which put my mind at ease not that it needed to be because I trusted my beloved Edward with my life he's so hot mmmm eddward u is hot u is hot eddward yeah mm u sxc thig. There was a stone altar there that looked a bit like that place from Hailfire peaks on banjo kazoo.

"It's time It's time!" Alice giggled seriously in his sexy manly voice. Edward knocked on this big gong thing. The sound reverberated around like the songbird heralding the dawn. I got an itch on my arm. Suddenly an Uruk Hi appeared! It was….LURTZ!

"You come here today, Helena, son of Gonthidun, for what porpoise?"

"I want I want to become a vampire!"


	6. Chapter 6

**-------------Chapter 6----------------**

"**A vampire you say" Says Lurtz. "That's certainly a rather preposterous property." says Lurtz.**

"**PLEASE!" came by empathic scream! "YOUU! I WANNA BE LIKE YOU!" POinting at Edward.**

"**Your family history is not great. You father was he not a…"**

"**go on. Say it." I mumbled happiness.**

"**PREP" came his foul reply on the winds to my delicate ears.**

"** well actually he was yeah" I said in a cool voice because I'm so emo.**

"**We have evidence of him being a prep!" Lurtz ambled sexily. "He likes Paris Hilton and he used to be a cheerleader!" He shouted nastily, like the sun on a cold night. "We cannot let you join the ranks of hot emo vampires (not that you are not already hot/emo but you're not a vampire yet) because there is preps in you are family! Speaking of preps, I killed and ate Bella Swen!"**

**Everyone celebrated but then Edward looked so sad and depressed because I couldn't be vampire.**

"**What can I do to become even more sexah vampire?" I quadrupled.**

"**There is a way" Lurtz replied with the manner of a man addressing another man or woman. "But it will be dangerous and may consume your breaded life." He giggled.**

"**I will do whatever I can do to stay with my beloved husband Edward Cullen" I breathed breathlessly.**

"**You will have to go back in time to prevent your father becoming a prep!" LURTZ SCREAMED.**

"**Omg how?" I bowed. Eddward knew a way.**

"**I know how Helena my beloveloved." He screamed delicately like a rose petal flower opening on a breezy day in the world. He got a mobile phone and started phoning someone. Then suddenly…**

**The TARDIS appeared! David Tennant walked out of it.**

"**Hello I'm the doctor!" he asked.**

"**Hi doctor nice to see you again" Edward silenced.**

"**What's going on?" I mucused.**

"**I'm a time lord and I can like travel all around space an through time and shit" he replied kindly.**

**Then we got in the tardiest and went back in time to…THE 1960S!**


	7. Chapter 7

-------------Chapter 7----------------

We touchdowned in the 19060s OMG. This was the year when my dad was born. We went to the hospitality where he born was. Everyone was wearing Beetle hair and extravagantly realised shoewear.

I saw my baby father. He looked preppy, like the songbird heralding the dawn. His eyes were preppier than the polycrasmia of Brittany Spera.

Suddently I felt soooooo angry I killed my father.

"NOOOOOOOOOO" the doctor screamed nonchalantly. "IT'S GONNA KILL YOU RUUUUUN!" he screamed wonderfully. The nurse looked angry at me, angry as a man or a woman whose baby had been murdered.

"You ignoramic tripe!" she screamed. "I'm gonna cut you up, haha!" came the Nurse's agonised scream.

All of the doctors and nurses started rushing chasing sardonicing us. The Doctor grabbed my hand and flew away. He shot lasers at them through his eyes (he's a vampire).

"Well at least my dad is dead" I shooted, like the geese of a pond.

"Yes that is indeed good you shall be vampire now mm yes?!" chivvied David Tennant. "But now we have to go to the FUTURE to meet my friend! Would you like to come with me beautiful Helena?"

"Yes I would much prefer be grateful for that haha" I asked prettily. "I'm actually a time traveler myself I can pretty much do everything, I've been to the future before and all I'm prepared like the garden lying in the sunlight"

The doctor ten took me to the future in his TURDIS. We departed in the future seductively. I looked hot.

"Ah here are my good friend meet him now Helena!" He yelled furiously. "Ratchetandclank" he replied.

Wow I said, ecstatic with myself that I have been able to meet Ratchetandclank. He was very hot even though he was a Lombax. I felt like becoming a furry until I realised that that is against the moomin faith and I am married to the wonderful pleasurably magnificent Edward of Cullen.

Then someone else materialised. It was Bill Krowlitz.

"omg!" I said graciously. "It's Bill Krowlitz!" said I.

Bill Krowlitz is really really hot.


	8. Chapter 8

-------------Chapter 8----------------

"OMFG Bill Krowlitz you is da fukking sexbomb!" I organed fantastically. Suddenly I got an itch on my nose, but I didn't scratch it because I don't conform to the ideals of society. Bill Krowlitz started flying around in the sky because he vampire, like the songbird heralding the dawn. He told me I looked hot (duhh) but I told him I was in a commited relationship. Then suddenly…he got shot out of the sky!

"NOOOO HE WAS MY BROTHER!" screamed Doctor ecstatically. I paused. I stopped. I looked around to see who had shot him. Then suddenly…it was Master Chief!

"HAHAHA" Master chief . "ME AND THE METROIDS SHALL BE TAKING OVER THE FUTURE THERE IS NO MORE HOPE!" He yelled sexily, like the forest in a silent grove, watching, ever waiting. I thought me and the Doctor were done for but then suddenly…Samus Aran appeared and began shooting the Master Chiefs and the Metroids!

"Run!" Samus screamed dirtily so. "Master chief and the metroids are taking over the future there is no more hope!" came Samus' terrified screams.

Me and doctor ran back to the terdis nonchalantly but it was now…….destroyed! It was being eaten by a semi translucent permeable metroid like a jellyfish sucking the barbaric life of a magnifent whale.

"OMFG NOOOOOOOOOO my tardis is gone!" the doctor oracled.

We surveyed the bloody crappy battlefield, it was dark and moonlight and moonlit, like the songbird heralding the dawn. Me and the doctor sat down to have some tea and biscuits. The biscuits were dry and stale. I thought of Edward. I cried.

"we are stuck here in the future! Unfortunately much for both of us yes, I cannot use my wonderfully extravaganzic superpowers to get us back to my own time! Hmm, yes!" I happily sobbed. The doctor died. I was left alone in quite a predicament. Those gosh darn head crab zombies tried to beautifully much steal my food but we um prevailed, MMM!

Suddenly…a girl jumped down in front of me.

"It is too much for you to be here Helena!" she screamed

"how do you know my name" came my snaky reply.

"I know many things. Ayla fight for you, Ayla not run. Ayla like Fall out Boy Ayla hot cave girl." she exclaimed fruitily.

"Omg Fall Out Boy is one of my most desirable bands list!" I shocked nausily.

"AYLA ALSO LIKE MCR!"


	9. Chapter 9

Helen Middletonhoneychurch Mr Jackson

Discuss the multiple personalities of Tom Bombadil from J.R.R. Tolkein's Lord of the Rings.

When we first read the sonnet we expect him to be happy, using such words as "merry", and "jolly", and "bom[b]". But we then see that Tom gives himself several different identities. In fact, as we read on, we discover that he actually rechristens himself as "Tom Bom", "Jolly Tom" and "Tom Bombadillo". If we delve deeper into each of these identities, we see that infact, the first name uses the word "bom", the olde english spelling of "bomb", portraying a lust for terror and mass of destructions. We then note that the last name adds an "o", hence, "Tom Bombadillo". This shows that he wants to be Mexican but couldn't get a Visa to cross the border. This in turn indicates the possibility that he has a criminal record. Which then brings us to "jolly tom". This of course refers to the frequent comparision of a physco clown. In conclusion, Tom Bombadil ily's the Four Horsemen.

Chapter 9

Aufors note – chapter may look different it will because this is happening during English literacy class time yes? Sorry about English essay I have to hide chapter from teacher ok?

Suddenly Ayla I went to the shop to get some more supplies. Metroids had taken over the beautiful splenderous shop, leaving nothing behind but death, chaos, destruction, rabies, aids, killers, death, plants and dolls. Suddenly…Edward culena appeared!

"Edward Edward my love my beautiful songbird heralding the dawn" I hacked discolouredly!  
"I am not Ed- oh actually I am yes I am!" came the Doctor's beautiful rap. His golden eagle eyebrows eagle winked at me suspiciously superfluously magnificent.  
"what a beautiful Edward you are, you are, you are, what a beautiful Edward you are!" I screamed sexily.

The next day me and Edward went

Suddenly, just as Edward and I were making out, I realised he was the doctor but he had regenerated OMG!  
"YOU FOOL you betrayed me IMMA KILL YOU AAARGHHH!" I happily exclaimed. Then Ratchetandclank came through a whole in spacetime (note -we were back in the past btw) and killed the doctor (properly this time).

"RUN HELENA! YOU ARE HOT!" he screamed, abusively beautifully.

Suddenly, a giant portal appeared in the sky and me and my BFF for eva Storm got sucked into it. Suddenly…we were in MIDGAR!!!

"omg we are like soooo totally in midgar!" I startled belligerently. Cloud strife walked in. He was soooooooooooooo hot I mean seriously. His hair was as spiky as sonic the hedgehog and knuckles the echidna combined! His mouth was black as the old tv set. His ear was as soft as a dead baby. His hair was as blonde as a sahara. His hair was turtles, it was geese, it was pomegrantes, it was all the good things in the world. His hair was spiky an sharp, like the edge of a razorblade. His hair was a starship, it was a chair, it was a circle, it was many triangles, his hair was a walnut, it was a horse, it was a duvet, it was a burnt sausage on a barbeque of hotness, it was chilli sauce, it was mayonnaise, it was orangensaft, it was frankfurters, it was Chihuahuas, it was iguanas, it was dinosaurs. His hands were soft like a soft towel, they were beautiful as a beautiful myself. His feet were love, they were Kurt Cobain, they were Gerard Way, they were emo, they were hot, they were PVA glue, his feet were bells, they were cheese plants, they were nuclear bombs. His eyes were as sparkly as a vampire, and blue as blue piece of paper. They were blue like the sea. His eyes were round, they were squares, they were fine wine, they were fit, they were ducks, spices, potatoes. They were cooked 7 minutes on high. At a potato digging. His eyes were labradors, they were shihtzus, poodles Chihuahuas dalmations and great danes. His eyes were like musicians, they were mainstream, they were like parades and balloons. They were purged subtle and anonymous. His nose was pointy like a mountain, and a sharpie. His nose was a sharp pencil, of lead, it was hair, it was smooth skin, it was cartilage. It was a printer and a photocopier in one. His nose was hurt and knowing, broken and fixed at the same time like my heart. His lips were as soft as the pallid rose, cring like my green tears of joy and great depression. His lips were rosy, they were white, they were polite, they were echoes, they were substitution, they were limited they were prayers they were ladies they were john barrowman. His lips were like a bike that had been hired, yet was still in good condition. His lips were like a good TV signal. Good, but not great. His cheekbones were pointy like a mountain and a sharpie and a sharp pencil and like his hair. They were electric they were right and left, they were communists, they were otherworldy. They were hard as bones, hard as a fish lost in the great seas of Aldi. His arms were strong like me but not really agh I dunno. His hair was like sonic the hedgehog. His hair was like hair.

Suddenly…Sephiroth appeared! Him and Cloud Strife started to make out. Then cloud stuck a sword through sephiroth.  
"That's for Aerith bitch!" he crooned angrily. Storm kissed cloud strife because she loved him and he loved her as well. Suddenly…Sephiroth came back to life! He killed storm.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I whispered shockfully. Suddenly…Edward Cullen (the real one) took me back home. Then I was took to the chamber where Lurtz was to be made into vampire.


	10. Chapter 10

Helen Middletonhoneychurch Mr Jackson

Chapter 10

"I am so glad I am back in Monroeville again" I squawked suicidally. I felt like slitting my wrists for a second, then I realised I was in company. Edward looked hot.

Alice and Jasper were still nekked. They were looking extremely hot and sxc and I could tell they fancied me too although they knew I was a murmum and belonged to the Edward of Cullen because if I ever cheated on him he would kill me which I why I would never tell him about the Doctor trying to rape me.

"it's time it's time!" cried Lurtz exultantly. "Helena you killed your father I the past world 1960s therefore you can become vampire now you would like that yes?" he screamed politely. I lay on the stone table like Aslan did in Lord of the Rings.

"When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me, me, me"

"yay" I celebrated. "I am now even more so hot than I was before yay! Who knows what more adventures await me now!" I decided.

I got up.

I walked near the exit of the cave.

I waited for Edward.

We both walked out of the cave.

We started flying around.

TO BE CONTINUED


	11. Chapter 11

----Chapter 11----

The dewy tears of a new life ejaculated from my eye ball sockets. As wet and shiny as tears.

"Helena!" Edward Cullen dug violently and beautifully love. "Let us fly away together, fly away like a beautiful bluebottle!" he sung awesomely. I felt happy because I was flying but I felt sad because of all the people that had died - the Doctor, Ayla, Sephiroth, Storm. (I didn't feel sorry for my dad or Bella because they are preps) Oh well I thought it's not like I can't communicate with the dead is it? (I have a gift.)

Jasper and Alice flew towards me.

They were still naked.

* (I'm putting these things in now)

"Helena we need your help! Master Chief came through a time whole from the future and is killing things!" they squelched excitedly. "Only you are wise and powerful an pretty enough to stop that bitch" they asked with an air of onomatopoasiaosucoa. "go and see the great wise Mother Teresa. She will know what to do HelenaBeautiful!" they chorused sexily.

"C'mon Storm!" I cried gaudily. "Let us go find Mrs So called mother Teresa." I slapped hotly. Me and Storm flew (she's a vampire too btw forgot to tell you) the ghetto where Mother Teresa's hideout was mmmmmm yes.

*

"Git in bitches I ain't got all day!" he wheezed. There were loads of stolen goods in the hideout. Mother Teresa of Calcutta was one of the most powerful gangstas in the world. So I asked him why he had been working undercover.

"Why are you been working undercover a holy one?" I questioned dearly.

"Yeh, well business is shit innit? Narr bruv, what wid the whole recession and credit crunch an all, also the fuzz have caught on and they'll dosh me up propa, hear what I is saying boi? 'Ell, the other day I got caught wid me blud wiv eat in me gaff!" he loved.

"How do we defeat Master chief then? Said storm cooly.

"Awight keep yer tits on blud" he kept meticulously. "Wot you av to do is dis - go back in time to when dat little greebo was born, and pop a cap in dat motherlicka's ass! Braaaaaaaap!" Mother Teresa crooned terrifyingly.

"But I cannot go back to the past again because my powers are failing to correspond!" said I.

"S'alright blud, take a looka this." he quieted. "MOR DDEDWYDD YW Y RHAI TRWY FFYDD S'YN MYND O BLITH Y BYW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he chanted fatly lightning.

I could understand what he said because I am fluent in Japanese. Suddenly, a giant portal opened in the ceiling and out of it dropped….the Ocarina of Time!


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

A note from Helena – Ok I have a confession to make. This story was not written by me, HelenaBeautiful. It was written by Darkness (eddward4eva, you may know her from youtube) and I merely spellchecked it. Due to recent circumstances I am no longer spellchecking and covering up for my (ex) friend. Sorry for any confusion this might have caused, enjoy the rest of the "story" which will be spellchecked by some other saddo.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

AN – ok from now on since Helena that bitch obviously hats me, I'm writing this with Judy and the Microsoft paperclip that helps me spellcheck fanks xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx peace emo4lyf also the main charecters name has now changed to Darkness

Darkness and Storm blew a song (vampires will nvr hurt u by mcr) into the Ocarina of Time. It was a portkey! They flew to the planet Halo. It was…..back in time! OMG!

The baby master chief was being born. The mum died because the armour was adult sized master chief.  
"oh no!" storm yelled spookerly. "we cannot kill him he has armour invincible on!" she crapped.  
"no problem!!!!!" I screamed nicely. "I am now vampire I have vampire laser eyes!' I shooted lasers at master chief seductively. "if only the Eddward of Cullen could see me now because he would be wonderfully lovely proud bemused love. Suddenly…….3 men drove by on a digger truck! One looked at me hotly but he was ugly so there was noooo way. :(

Master chief died and went to hell even though he was a baby he was an evil baby with red eye. His armour fell on the floor sweeperly. Storm put it on, like a striptease but the other way around.  
"Look at me!" storm said as she wore the costume stunningly. "Look at me dance! Look at me dance!" said she. Suddenly… she got transported to somewhere!!!!!

*

OMFG1 I shouted screamed. Storm has been rectumed away what do I do!

*

I blew the song of soaring into the Ocarina but I put a emo mcr style twist on it. I ended up in a weird place called Toyko. Everyone there had brown teeth.

Inuyasha and Kagome came. Inuyashsa was really hot even though he was a cross between and human and a possum. Kagome was really annoying and selfish, but she still thought I was hot. Inuyasha killed her.  
"That's for Aerith bitch!" he growled happily. "Now Darkness what would you want""I need to find my friend she's been Spirited Away!" I cried nackeredly.

*

"Well then" He snorted like the songbird heralding the dawn. "you need to meet my friends Sora and Roxas they will know what to do!!!!!" he dried excretedly.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

We met Sora and Roxas who were really really hot.

*

They looked at me because they fancied me. Then they started to make out. They were quite hot. However, homoness is against the murmum law and so god smote them. They looked burnt, like the crisp at the bottom of the pack that no one eats.

Inuyershun had sex with them as well and got smote as well. Then I went to find Storm. I flew around using my amazing x ray vision to find Storm. I was beautifully craptulay excited. Suddenly….Gandhi appeared!

"I am Gandhi" Gandhi moaned. He was wearing black eyeliner, black lips, and had a lot of cuts on his wrists. He didn't have much hair except for two strands like home simppo that were died black and gelled in front of his face. "I am storm's spirit guide". He fudged esoterically. "I can help you find Storm" he immortalized depressingly.

*

"I looooove your studded belt were did you get it?" I questioned hygienically.  
"Blue bananana" he grumbled sexily. We flew around the world to find Storm. "oh wiat a minute she's nut here she's on another planet I forgot sorry" he deuced irrespectively. Me and storm went to find storm. We flew to a faraway planet. It took a long time, something in the retrospect of around 4 wonderful years.

On this planet there were giant things everywhere. Big parrots, I mean wow srsly. Some guy called Wander and his horse Agro helped me find Storm. I found her and went home and Wander came with us but Agro died. (wander had a powerglove that can transport people anywhere because someone accidently broke the Ocarina I forgot to tell you so we couldn't use it)

"Hey Darkness and Stormy babes." He obfuscated cosmologically. "Do you want to come home and meet ma boyfriend, John Barrowman?" he analogized provokingly. "he is a tv presenter!" wander loved lovingly. Me and Storm flew with Wander (he's vampire so he can fly btw forgot to say) to…Wander's house!


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

We entered the mesastatic house hold and smelt the unmounted air.  
"It's very **Extralinguistic in here isn't it Darkness?" said **

Storm extrapully. I was really hot, like the songbird heralding the dawn. Suddenly…John Barrowman met us!

His hair was butch and ecstatic. It was like an anecdote gone well. It was black. It was hairy and moist. His hair was studded, it was cream, it was darkest black, it was blackest black, it was hot, it was a caravan in the rain. His hair was like really really realy really really really rally really really nice savageness. His hair was almost as hot as cloud strife's. His back was spiny and rippled, it was crying, it was flash, it was like a petri dish of coloured germs. His back was crippling to look at, his individual spines stuck out like tiny caterpillars on those high seas of the shelves in ASDA. His nose was like an electric socket with water on it. His nose was a snowglobe with MCR inside. It was Christ it was a knife carving chicken, it was a beautiful fragment of magnet. His penis was like a chav on a council estate. It was like a woodpecker on a sandwich of justice. His eyes were sparking like a vampire or lemonade or limeade or appleade or sparkling water. His eyes were grace, they were slender, his middle was like a washing machine water bath. His mouth was a bird bath. His whole face was rippled like a galaxy ripple. His skin was the texture of a crunchy. His lips were like a broken Hershey bar, his lips were oranges, they were geese, they were the fragrance of a smelly cheese. His lips were like lemonade or limeade or appleade or sparkling water. Maybe coca cola, maybe. Depends how I feel at the time. His eyes were sharp. His claws were gravel, they were razors, they were gryphons. His wings were shiny and scaly, like the songbird heralding the dawn. His wings were like dawn. His beak was as hot as Gerard way's liver. His beak was red raw and black and brown. His marks on his head were hot, like a small tortoise on the shelves of ASDA. His arm was damaged from his hotness. His arm was captain jack harkness and captain jack sparrow in one. His teeth were like pick-up-sticks. It was a shame he was gay.

"Come in come in everyone!" John Barrowman said lovingly in a lovingly way. "Now, what does everyone want for din dins? I have lentils and blood soup since I know how hungry you vampires get!" he grinned made dinner and we sat down at the table to eat it beautifully. I looked quite beautiful and I could tell Wander and John Barrowman wished they were straight so they could be with me and avoid God's wrath.

I ate with my fork in my right hand because I don't conform to the ideals of society.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16 – The Sorrowful Rose

Thenks 2 helena for editing again

We concluded on consuming our monochromatic meal beautifully, afterwards I went to the bathroom to sick it up, just sick it up into the toilet statelyly. Even though my body was already really skinny and emaciated, I was bulemic and anorexic because I was emo and was therefore conflicted and morbid and depressed and insecure and depressed and emo which was is why I has eating disorder even though I am vampire now.

John Barrowman and Wander waved us goodbye as we flew away through the time vortex back home...suddenly…we flew home! I felt sad for John Barrowman and Wander because they were nice people but would be going to hell because they were gay with each other. Even though that was hawt it was a sin to do that. Suddenly…we were shot out of the sky!

"HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA" came an evil laugh infinitesimally. It was….the doctor!  
"YOU SCORNED ME HELENA, YOU MUST DIE!!!!!" he shot eye lasers at us again. I used my superpowers to kill him even though he was already dead, like the songbird heralding the dusk.  
"YOU FILTHY DUCK I AM GLAD YOU ARE PREOPLY DEAD THIS TIME" I detoxified stringently. I doctor was quite hot but he had to die because he tried to rape me and make out with me which I wasn't fond of tbh.

Gandhi appeared out of his dead body. He was soooo fit and sxc even though he was an old man mmmm yeh Gandhi so hot yeh giv it 2 me.  
"well done" Gandhi dibbled melodically. "you have killed one of the 7 great evils. Now only six remain" he said hotly.

*

"what are the six great evils?" I sighed figuratively. Storm nodded her head in silent solid hot agreement.  
"well when a man luvs a woman very much he expresses his love with motion" Gandhi malingered. "is they are not married they release great evil on the world known as 7 deadly sins. The doctor was one of these sins. He has been deleted now only 6 remain you must kill them helene you are the only one who is brave, hot, and strong and magical enough to do it!" he intellectualised. "oh and storm can help. These evils are located throughout the universe and through time itself! The remaining ones you need to find are Master Chief, Ganandorf, Yubaba, Sauron,Tay Zonday, the LADY OF SORROW." Gandhi reminisced.  
"weve already killed master chief" Storm said unnecessarily.  
"pipe down Storm no one likes you" I screamed hotly. "what, pray tell us, are the lady of sorrow?" I said with an air of zirconium.

*

"the lady of sorrow is the final test of the great evil itself. She can only be killed once the others are killed first because they are her horcruxes. I am going to send you back now to your normal time because…….that is where you live! Find me again. The spiders will show you the way." Gandhi dispeared on a puff of deku nut smoke. I looked quite beautiful. Suddenly we were in……our normal time!


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17 – Roses are black

Back in our normal time. I was very sad even more depressed than usual I mean because I had not been to meet the eddward in a long time. Suddenly…Edward Cullen appeared! He was so hot almost as hot as me. We made out and had sex on the floor. Jasper and Alice tried to join in but I said there was no way because I try to keep to murmum faith. When we were finished we got change but Jasper and Alice stayed naked.

"ok now you're finished I will help you get special powers" Gandhi said. I can tell he thought that I looked hot when I was naked with Edward Cluedo.

"I already have loads of special powers not to mention the ones I aquired when being vampire" I superfluoused.  
"yes but these are very special finishing blows that only I know since I used to be an exorxist of India unfortunately I was not strong enough to fight the great evils and win only you, Helena, are strong enough to do it you chosen one!"he sexed.

I kissed goodbye to my beauty Edward Cullen and me and Storm flew to the Dojo where Gandhi would teach us his special moveset. Once he had taught us his special moves he said "now you know what to do my work is done. I can finally release life, like the songbird heralding the dawn". Suddenly…Gandhi died!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo" storm cried. "he was my mentor!" she screamed sadly. She knelt down next to him and cried, like a midnight oil spillage. "goodnight sweet prince" she whispered. She made out with his forehead. "im not ok" she expropriated. "I'm not ok I prumise!" She was caught in a bad romance.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18 – Hero of time (and sorrows)

It was weird being back in Monroeville. We had to leave though to travel to the Elven forests like Gandhi had told us to. I was so fucking depressed.

Me and storm flew to the elven forest. The elves were all really hot especially legolas and he wanted to do it but I stayed true to my vows with Edward of cullen because I am a mormon.

The head elf spoke to us. "the first great evil we need you to kill is Ganondorf. He is pretty fly for a white guy but don't let that fool you because he his sooooo evil!" the head elf excreted wildly. "we shall help you though if you go to our fighting arena there is someone there that might help you kill him since he is a very skilled assassin." The head elf beamed at us angrily. Tom Bom Jolly Tom.

We went to the fighting arena. Travis Touchdown was there. He helped us learn how to assassinate. Then we flew to Ganondorf's castle in Lithuania. It took a year to get there because there were many birds flying into our faces.

When I'm not quite as depressed as usual I am a really funny, random and crazy person. People laugh at my jokes. I made the journey go quicker because Storm was a fan of my dry sardonic wit. Ganondorf's castle was very big, like the marquee heralding the sogginess.

I Looked quite pretty even though we had just flown in a storm for a year. Storm was a little worse for wear.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Me and Storm gefahren to Ganondorf's castle. He was long lean and gay. It's ok when hot guys like each other, but ugly guys doing it is really sinful. Gandhi's dead spirit appeared. "Hury mein freunden, there is only 12 in minute time to defeat him." He screamed, looking extremely hot in his minute loincoth. He was so sexy, if he wasn't dead and if I wasn't married to Edward Cullen I sooooo would, even though he is an old man.

Ganondorf laughed evilly, like the songbird heralding the dawn. He was evil because he was ugly.

Suddenly I had an mind map. Edward Culena appeared in my mind map and started giving me words.

"USE UR BREASTS, Darkness!" he screamed suddenly. Suddenly… I got naked! Ganondorf was extreme shocked nicely. I was so hot that ganondorf turned straight he had been cured!  
"yay you has been cured of homoism!" Storm extrapolated wildly. "now you are free like a normal healthy person!" she wilded sexily.

I put on my bra, underwear, skirt shirt. And various assortments of jewellery and fishnets. Storm was already fully clothes because she had not got naked you perv.

Finally the next evil had been distraught.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20 – The Sorrow Full Rose

We flew back to da pace where we called home (Monroeville) and then suddenly…we we teleported OMG!

We teleported to a random place called Azeroth. There was a wizard there! He looked like Gandalf from Harry potter. He was hairy. He had a beard. It was as white as snow on a egg factory. It was as hot as a lukewarm vegetable soup.

"MY FRIENDS I NEED YOU" he boomed quietly "IF WE SING THIS SONG WE WILL HELP MY MOTHER LIVE HOOHOO!!!!!!!!" came his ecstatically reply.

"everyone after me – from the tiny ant" he corrupted Duely.  
"from the tiny ant" we smoothed smoothly.  
"to the elephant" he borrowed.  
"to the elephant" we chorused nonchalantly.  
"from da snake to the kangaroo" he soothed.  
"from the snake to the kangaroo" we crooned sexily.  
"from the great white shark" he noted inevitably.  
"from the great white shark" we sidewaysed stonely.  
"to the singing lark" he repeated polychrasmially.  
"to the singing lark" we sponsored.  
"care for them it's up to you" he distinguished hopefully.  
"care for them it's up to you" we fudged nominally.  
"care for them it's up to you, care for them it's up to you, no one else can care for them" everyone sang horridly.  
"it's up" he crapped.  
"it's up" we knockered.  
"it's up to yooouuuuu" said everyone. After the song was finished (which it just like did) the wizard's mother came back to life. If I wasn't so depressed that I could feel happy I would feel quite glad that the beautiful love of motherhood not really lol had come back into da terrible evil world.

Suddenly…I felt even more depressed than usual!

"*crying* omg I feel soooooo ugly!" I broke down on the floor because of my horrific uggleness. (Darkness is actually really pretty but she thinks she is ugly because she is depressed and isn't a bighead) I began to slit my crisps happily. I looked really beautiful and emo and depressed with all those big tears funning down my alabaster face.

"noooo ur not ugly you are the most beautiful thing in the world!" storm cried for me depressonly. I said I agreed with her even though I obviously didn't in my mind (even though I was actually really hot)

TO BE CONTINUED


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21 – Midnight Sorrowfulness

Me and Storm flew back to the homeland of us. Suddenly…Edward was in his house! He looked like a hotter version of Gerard Way crossed with Gandhi. Suddenly…my powers returned! I had a feeling that tonight was gonna be a good night. I had a feeling that it shall such a good night. (and by good I mean depressing. I used my powers to go back in time because I felt like I had a reason.

We were in Monroeville 7 and a half thousand years ago. I saw…Edwart Cullen! He looked like he was in pain. Me and Storm hid in the trees to watch because we were curious ok don't diss! I scratched my nose because it was really itchy. Storm had her hand on her head. Suddenly…Edward gave birth to a child!

"omg" I said fruitily. It was…a beautiful vampire babby! She looked just like…………………………………………………………………………… ……………..…………………………………………………….……………………………………………………………………………

ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could tell because the baby was really sexy. She looked exactly like me!

"EDWARD!!!!!!" I yelled girlishly. Edward of Cullen looked up and saw me flying down.  
"darkness" he said questioningly."OMG it's you!" he screamed lovingly. My god, Edward looked so hot. But there were questions to be asked.  
"Edward who is this child you gace birth to?" I replied sexily.  
"it is…………………………………………YOU!" came his vivacious reply.  
"wait so am I…Am i?" I screamed beautifully.  
"I am your father!" Edward admitted hotly. "I hope this doesn't mean that we can't be together any more because I love you more than anyone!" he excused fantastically.  
"nahh course not you are so hot how could I resist you even if you are my father!" I gargantued. "I am just so glad that preppy idiot that used to be my father is not!" said I. "I am so glad we shall be having relationship in distant future!"  
"Yes me too I have to admit this babby is extremely sxc. I wouldn't say no" Edward numbered suggestively.

Then me and Storm lew back to the present time to learn how to defeat another great evil.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22 – The loving of Mr Brightside

Me and Storm Mclovin flew to a mountainside cave (I forgot to mention this earlier it happens after Gandhi told them about the great evils I forgot to say just pretend it's a story ok it's only partly based on real life!")

In the cave was….MR BRIGHTSIDE! He was a hot old man that lived ina cave (this cave). He smelt of the sea because he lived near the sea.

There was a giant powerpoint presentation playing in the background. Me and storm sat down to watch it. It was about how to defeat the great. Suddenly…Mr Brightside turned evil! He grew wings out of his anus and began to hurt our faces!!!

I was really strong though and me and Storm defeated him (I did most of the work). I looked really pretty.


	23. Chapter 23

ChAPter 23 - the meaning of life

NOTE - THIS CAHPTER IS VERY IMPOTENT FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT SO NOW YOU KNOW

I put my hand into my pocket sexily.

I scoured my pocket creepily until I found a list and a beautiful pen.

* * *

I took them out of my pocket.

I looked at the list.

We had defeated 3 of the great evils now!

I crossed out the Doctor's, Master Chief's, Ganondorf's names with the pen flirtatiously.

Then I put it back in my pocket, not to be seen until we kill Yubaba.

Suddenly…Storm lost me! I was walking around without thinking because I'm so fucking defused. I would have called out to her, but I don't conform to the ideals of society. I felt bored so I sat down waiting for Storm. I got out a camera. I felt tangible, like the fragrant musk of an alabaster pube. I took photos of myself with the camera photographically, making sure the contrast was high and it was in black and white and from a out of the ordinary angle from above with me looking sad, because I don't conform to the ideals of society. I then cried circuitously, because I was anorexic and thought I looked really ugly when in fact I'm really pretty and hot.

Storm wandered in flimsily. "I've been wondering where you might have perchanced to, dalekness" Storm cried lavishly, like an orange in a bowl.

"I'm so depressed Storm" said I. "I feel trapped, like a moth in a bath" I sniffed bimonthly. "Maybe I'm not awesome enough for this quest. Look at me. I'm so fucking ugly, I look almost as ugly as one of those stupid preps that hate this story" I lamented funnily.

Storm looked at ma sexah face solemnly. "I have to tell you something Darkness. Now, I don't want you to be alarmed. But we have to be serious for a second about this".

"WHAT WHAT IS IT" I headed compellingmeisterly.

"I think you suit…red streaks" she emptied emptily like an empty bowl.

"Orly?" I screamed gently. I clicked my fingers and my green streaks turned into red. I had lots of special powers that even vampires don't have, because I am special a bit like those people in Heroes you know what I mean yeh? I am metephormagis.

I was hungry so I made Storm go and get some food. She cooked a meal and it smelled ok but then I remembered I was anorexic so I had to refuse it.

God my life sucked. My father wasn't my real father, he was a prep anyway and I was so special that people were always out to kill me! And I still didn't have an Ipod nano god I might as well just kill myself.

But I couldn't. I had a task to do. To defeat the remaining great evils. I looked at the sky. It was the colour of purple, like a piece of rice used customarily.

Storm decided to go to sleep. God now my own friend hates me she was so selfish so I kicked her until she woke up. Why was Storm so lazy. I was such a good friend to her but all she did was take take take.

I picked up a stick. It was brown.

NOTE I KNOW YOU MIGHT COMPLAIN SAYING NOT MUCH HAPPENED IN THIS CHAPTER BUT I WANTED TO EXPLORE DARKNESS'S PERSONALITY MORE OK SHE'S VERY TROUBLED AND NOT A MARY SUE LIKE SOME PEOPLE SAY SHE IS JUST A REALLY GOOD PERSON WHO HAPPENS TO BE BEAUTIFUL AND GOOD AT EVERYTHING OK!!??!?!??!!?!?


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 25 OMG

I had just finished slitting my wrists when Storm woke up.

"Darkness" she bomed seductively "we have to go and defeat the next great evil! Or else you will DIE" she carried magiacinly.  
"Ok I think first we have to travel to 7 and a half thousand years in the past time" I ideaed crumpily. Me flew to 7 and a half thousand years ago in the past time.  
Everything was so different! Adam and Eve were still in the garden of the Eden Project. There were no dinosaurs around because dinosaurs are a lie created by evil scientists to disprove the book of Murmum because they were jelous. The sea was made of lava and people flew on blimps instead of planes (this Is a parallel universe so it has blimps in it ok?) There were many spirits flying around. A spirit dragon called Haku helped us defeat many monsters. (god bless his soul) He told me I looked hot.

"what great evil do we have to defeat next oh yes it's YUBABA" I screeched softly.

Suddenly….I saw Edward Cullen vampire man! He was a lot younger but he looked the same as he did in the future.

"Edward" I applauded rambunctiously. He looked my way. He walked over. He scratched his ear. "hello my name is Darkness do you know me at all?" I danced meticulovingly.  
"hmm darkness I have a strange feeling you are going to be important to me one day." He nicely said.  
"yes in the future we get married and have S-E-X and love each other!" I loved.

"orly" said he. "ok in that case if we are married in the future we should have S-E-X now because married people are allowed to without it being sin full because you are so hot I can't resist you!" he cried. Then we did it on the floor.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 26 – The baby of sorrow

----------9 MONTHS LATER-----------

Me and Storm had stayed in the past for 9 months because we still hadn't found Yubaba's whereabouts. I was very happy though, because it meant I got to spend a lot of time with my husband Eddward of Culena. I got a job as a model to earn some extra credits (this is the currency in this past time world) so we could buy things from shops and various tradesmen. However, Deano the Manny Man was a farmer, and not happy with this, so he raised dispute against competitive citizens

It was weird that Edward Cullen had fallen in love with me before I'd met him in the future. It was many a time paradox. One day when we were having breakfast in our tree (people lived in trees in the past I think) Jasper and Alice came to visit. This was before sex changed were invented, so Alice was still a girl.

Both of them were naked. Jasper had a six pack almost as big as Edward Cullen's.

Suddenly…Edward yelled!  
"HELP ME DARKNESS I'M GOING INTO LABOUR!" he sobbed ecstatically. We dragged him out of the house and into a clearing so as not to mess up the carpet. Blood spilled out of his disco stick. He was crying with pain. Suddenly…a head appear out of his "magic wand" (you know wat I mean)! Then the body then the was….

A BABY! I looked up into the trees. I could see me looking back watching Edward. I knew if I stayed here I would fly down and meet myself which would cause the universe to melt. "quick everyone except Edward must leave!" I brightness.

We all left except Edward. I always walked with my left foot first because I don't conform to the ideals of society. After my past self had met the Edward I went back and helped him back to the house. I knew the baby was me because it was sexy.

On the way back I met Storm. "DARKNESS" SHE fudged unducncly. "YOU HAVE TO COME WITH ME I HAVE FOUND YUBABA WE MUST KILL HER!"

TO BE CONTINUED


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

SOOO YEH ENEWEY I wus ma own mum it is much confusion. Gggggggaaaaaaaay. Me and killed Yubaba it was hard but we did did it totally. Then a bird appeared nonchalantly. He was the size of a human and had small wings. Ne of it's eyes was huge and bloodshot and the other was quite small in comparision to the other eye. His eye was like a moon because it was vaguely circular. It didn't have a real beak – it's beak was stuck on with prick stick, and it's mouth was separate mouth to its beak. It was yellow with an orange "beak". It's feet were black.

"Hi. Ma name's Bulb bird. I will be your tour guide for the day" he birded quaintly. Just then John Barrowman walked past.

Me and Storm followed Bulb Bird around the city. (we had left the past word btw) We were in the city of England. It was a horrible grotty magladantious place. Everyone there was ugly except me. (even though I think I am ugly and get depressed about it, I'm actually not)

Suddenly…we walked next to Bulb Bird's car! I wondered for a second how a bird with wings could drive a car.

"Come in my childs. I have a Muller Light. It's nice. You can have it." He shat beautifully.  
"Awesome I lurve yog hurts!" Storm cried friendlily. I refused to eat it because I am anorexic because I think I am fa even though I'm really skinny. Suddenly…Bulb Bird drove away…..suddenly….with Storm in the car!!!!!!!!!!


	27. Chapter 27

I was worried. I couldn't use my powers to save her because they had suddenly stopped working cos England town was sooo skanky. Suddenly I materialised a skateboard in the air and caught a ride on the back of a whale on wheels like what Mort Mc Fli does in Back to da Future. I was very very sexy. I caught up with the Bulb Bird and sawhis secret underground gangster place. Suddenly…I walked down the steps into his hideout!

Storm was tied to a chair and had brown tape around her big stupid mouth. Bulb Bird was about to RAPE her (see I can tackle serious issues too)

"Unhand her you fiend!" said I, like the songbird heralding the dawn. It was foreshaodowing. Then suddenly…Bulb Bird was stabbed through the middle! I looked around splederadifically to see who done it… it was…CORK CHILD!

"I am Cork Child!" Cork Child corked childishly. "Wassup homies!"

Cork Child had the head of a cork and the body of a child. He flew through the air because he had a Cork Head.

Me and Storm flew away to the present time for our next assignment.


	28. Chapter 28

CHAPTER 28 – THE SORROW OF SORROW

ME AND STORM FLEW TO A PLACE WHERE SAURON WAS. IT WAS…..MORDOR! WHILST WE Were there we bbought an ice cream made of chocoface. DJ Otzi (from Switzerland Land) walked past us sexily.

Me and Storm tried to fight Sauron. Then me and Storm killed him by shooting hi eyes with those little silver balls you can get on cake sometimes thinking of that made me hungry but then I realised I was anorexic so I didn't eat any actually probably.

When Sauron was dead I looked at my hands horrifically. What had I done? I had killed so much for the sake of others, but did killing these people make me worse than the evils themselves? I barely had time to contemplate this when the digger truck man drove past again. He looked at me but he was ugly so there was noooo waaay. Suddenly…Edward's face started breathing inside me!

"oh sorry" came Edward's muffled voice from inside my intestines. "I tried to teleport but it went wrong anyway I have a message for you. YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE" he whispered CULLENingly. I was scared. What did he mean? Had the time lords returned? (SPOILERS)

"WELL" said storm jeeruinghotingly. "I guess it's time for us to defeat the next great evil. TAY. ZONDAY!" se krepped esoterically. "but first I'm going home to see my parental guardians" she gated.

I sighed. Storm was so annoying.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Authors note – I'm trying to prove to Doris that my chapter will get a better review than hers if I actually make it make sense instead of writing random crap. Please leave feedback. – Love, Helena

Storm and I landed in front of her house. It was dark now, a soft light shined in the window welcomingly, the warm scent of baking wafted through the air, inviting us in. As I breathed it in, a flood of memories came back, all the time I spent in my best friend's home, in company of people who loved me, unlike my own father.

We made our way down the old cobbled path to the front door; Storm looking happier than she ever did since we began our journey. I heard voices inside, those same comforting voices I knew so well. As we waited to be let in, I caught my reflection in the door panel, there were dark heavy lids under my eyes and my once smooth face was haggard and rough. I looked somewhat older, more knowing. Could killing really change me that much?

The door eventually opened after repeated knocking. I looked into the old rheumy eyes of an old man. He was bent over, using a stick for support, and he no longer had that playful energetic look I remembered so well. Instead, he looked tired, tired of life.

"Dad?" Storm said, looking as shocked as me at his transformation.  
"Who is this?" he grumbled, squinting at us suspiciously.  
"It's me dad. I'm home." Suddenly his eyes widened.  
"Storm?" Storm smiled at him, her lip trembling slightly.

We sat down in the living room, which was largely unchanged from what I remembered, although there was no old dog by the fireplace, and Storm's mother was missing from her usual spot on the moth eaten sofa. The old man didn't speak much, he just looked overwhelmed at the arrival of his daughter.  
"So…" she said as she served the tea. "How're things then?" He just shook his head in sheer amazement, and gave me a look as if to ask if this was really happening.  
"Where's mum?" Storm asked. I felt apprehensive, thinking I already knew the answer. I doubted she had just gone to the shops. The father made a strange choking noise, and began sobbing into his daughter's shoulder.

"There was another car…I wasn't there, you know how much she wanted to learn to drive?"  
"oh dad" she whispered, trying desperately to stifle the tears that threatened to escape. Then she turned to me and muttered urgently; "we can stop it! We can use your powers, Darkness, we can go back!"  
"I can't."  
"What? No, we can, we can! We can go back!"  
"You can't change things that have already happened. You can use the past to change the future, but this…it's already happened. I'm so sorry." Her desperation only made me feel worse. She just hung onto me, crying and crying as I tried to keep my own tears away.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30 – Knot dressed as ogres, hidden gendercide.

I sighed vehemently. Storm was so freaking! Who cared about her dead mum I hate people that whine about their life when there are people are worse off in third world countries like America and stuff.

Suddenly…I HEARD THE TARDIS! It sounded familiar yet alien, like the songbird heralding the dawn. I was afraid because I thought I had killed the doctor! When he ahd tried to rape me!

Suddenly…a man and a ginger walked out. It wasn't the doctor I knew.

"DARKNESS, MY GOOD FRIEND!" he whispered shoutingly. I backed away.  
"DON'T YOU DARE RAPE ME YOU FAT F*CK" I SCREAMED wonderfully  
"AND HOW ARE YOU SO ALIVE" I SCREAMED beautifully.  
"It's ok Darkness" the doctor said menacingly and nicely. "I am much more better now because I have redemptioned. When you killed me I regenerated into Matt Smith and I am no longer rapist! David tenant is gone from my blood system!" he jehova'd.

I sighed because he was so cool in his bow tie and tweed jacket unlike rapist tennant. Then the doctor grabbed amy (the orange one) and edward appeared out of nowhere because he loves me and we have a psychic link. We all did the Boston two step happily except Storm because storm is annoying too get a bf.

Suddenly…amy STARTED GLOWING OMG! She transformed into…….SYLAR! He was sorta hot I guess but kinda creepy looking so there was noooo waaaaaay.

Sylar walked towards me fantagilicatlly. "oh lookie what we gave here" he creamed sexily. "looks like you're …special. I wouldn't mind having your powers"

"GET AWAY FROM ME BITCH" I fatalled fortifying magically. Suddenly….

TO BE CONTINUED (?)


	31. Chapter 31

CHAPTER 31- when I was 10 and one week old

WHEN I WAS  
A YOUNG GIRL  
MY FATHER (yknow the preppy one not my real father Edward)  
TOOK ME INTO THE CITY  
BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO CONFORM TO STEREOTYPES

But I didn't want to. I was emo through and through I didn't want to conform to his preppy imagine of daughterness. One night I was angry with the prep so I went into the garden which was in the forest that I lived in (remember that? Yeeeaaah continuity bitches)

Suddenly…I HEARD A ****ING NOISE! A blue box materialised in front of my very augen. A strange man stepped out in front of me. He was wearing a bow tie


End file.
